November 24, 2014

I am leaving soon and I am starting to miss everything

I couldn't sleep tonight. It's probably weird for me to disregard sleep rather than counting sheep until I fall asleep. I was already in bed to finally get some rest but my mind thought a lot of things that I decided to just spend the night awake and spend the time in my room. I'm going to miss this place. These 4 walls... my comfortable bed... my desks... everything in this place. It has witnessed all my emotions, who I am when I am alone, my physicality, my everything... I am counting days until I move away from this place. And I am here, crying like a heart-broken loser. It feels like I am at the verge of breaking up to my long-time relationship. God knows how much I am hurt now but God also knows why I have to move away. And I trust everything in Him. Tears are falling down my cheeks non-stop. And I am going to say it again, I am going to miss this place.

I was at the terrace a while ago and the sky was so clear. Stars were clearly twinkling above me and as I was standing still, the leaves of our coconut trees, along with the other kinds, were swaying along with the cold breeze. The sea was calm tonight. The only thing I heard is the soft sound of the wind until an airplane took off giving me its sound of farewell. I stood still, watching it along with the stars... the lights from the posts in this village, the silent houses at 10 in the evening, the calm sea, the cold breeze... "I am going to miss everything, terribly."

So now... back in my room... crying. Why do I have to leave anyway? Because there is that opportunity. There is no guarantee in it though it's an opportunity I can't let pass. Now I feel like a loser listening to love songs and relate everything about me leaving everything behind.

I am packing my things. Everything in this room will be kept in a box or to be given away... and after a few days of doing some packing, I finally gave in to crying. I was not expecting to do this in my life but I really have to go.

Now that I am finally leaving soon, my mind doesn't stop from giving me flashbacks of almost all memories I have in this place -- from my early years up to now. Oh, how I miss my parents... I miss everyone already that I want to hug everyone and everything in here. This is probably how I am going to feel when I leave earth if a soul could feel at all.

It's the good memories that make me cry tonight. For sure, it's a good cry. But I feel bad... I feel bad because I am leaving such a beautiful place. This is a big change in my life and I am embracing it wholly, for sure. But, opposite to my bravery to embrace the unknown, I feel weak.

I deserve this night to be spent crying and missing everything... I needed this feeling to balance the joy of moving on into a new life! I needed this feeling to remind myself that I am alive.

I wish I am doing the right decision. I need strength.

P.S. I couldn't find the write words to say to describe how I feel at this moment but these: I am going to miss everything in this home since the day I was born -- everything. Oh no, I am going to cry again. Huhuhu

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