January 1, 2014

A little something for 2014

Brave. That's my word for this year 2014.

To be brave is to be comfortably strong (and maybe with a little hesitation) in dealing with trials, new things, negative people and the unknown.

That's what I want in me, a copious amount of bravery, to confront things I never have to choose but I definitely have to deal with. For the past years, I wished to be strong. I wished to say what I really felt especially when I'm in a situation wherein I am stomped by tall and scary monsters. Through the years, there were some people who tested my strength. It was difficult for I was alone and the people who stood beside me were miles away. I had a difficult time. I cried buckets of tears but never did they care. I heard words of wisdom, guidance, and all things happy but the people who delivered them weren't there to support me. I have always wondered why the people I love and who love me in return were so far away. Then I realized that maybe I need to stand on my own. To defend what must be defended. To not be drowned by the hateful words and ungracious gestures I experienced everyday. So then I learned to speak up what I think is right. That's the time I realized I can stand on my own somehow and I am strong.

But I was never brave. When I use up my strength, I get shaky. I cry most of the time. Then I feel weak because I am a person with very little strength in the first place. I have a soft heart that no matter how I try to be brave, I will always end up crying. I never thought I would experience this kind of situation wherein the people I trusted were the ones who are not good at all.

For years, I let them hurt me. I let them say hurtful things. One would often brag some things to me especially because I have nothing. I having nothing but education, respect and understanding so I don't step wherever they are standing just to deal with it. I just let it pass me by, cry a little, and tell myself I am much better and I am strong.

The thing is, what made me strong was taking in every little bad thing they did to me. Breathing in everything because I can't breathe in fresh air when they have surrounded my environment with dark clouds. I breathed everything in but I did not forget to breathe them out just so I could push away the dark clouds that surrounded me and feel the sunshine on my skin. But I cry when I do it. I cry because I am weak but I am strong enough to try to clear my mind. Then I get weak. It takes time to gather strength again. The thing is, I take all the negativeness and bring them right in front of my eyes. And then I look at the positive things I get from those. I am still much better and I am strong. And I will never want to grow up like them.

I have forgiven all because, through the years, I get the same actions from the same people which made me think that maybe they are the problem. Maybe they have personal issues that made them do things badly to a person who is ten years younger than them. Maybe at my age, they had bad experiences too. And maybe they want to make me like them. Insecurities. How do you deal with it? Face it but don't ever hurt anybody else and yourself. Knowing this, I pity them. So I forgive easily despite being hurt because I believe what I have understood.

At the age of thirty plus, I think it's weird for a person who is still not open and mature to understand and realize that life is just so grand to waste it. To waste it in doing not-so-good things to other people. Maybe they won't understand it at all or maybe they will but it will be too late. When I reach their age, I wish to be stronger. To be a woman I want to become. To be like my sisters and parents. To be brave. To be lovable, understandable, and graceful. I will never want to be like them.

This will be the last time I'll talk about them. It's been years. And it's getting toxic each day. I don't know for how long will I able to deal with this kind of situation but one thing is for sure I will only care when there is a need to. It's difficult when the person you have trusted is the one who made you feel bad for more than five years. It's never easy to trust again but I am ready to help when there is a life and death situation. No more close ties but there will always be meaning of the word family. Speaking of which, they never made me feel like I am part of a family for years. But it's okay because it also made me strong to stand on my own somehow.

I AM GRATEFUL FOR THE HAPPY PEOPLE WHO ALWAYS HAVE SEEN THE SUNSHINE IN ME NO MATTER HOW FAR THEY ARE. THEY ARE HOPEFUL FOR ME TO BE BRAVE AND I AM HAPPY ABOUT BEING CARED FOR AND THOUGHT ABOUT.

I am forever grateful for the small amount of people who lifted me up higher since day one. I am blessed to have them and I will forever cherish the moments I have shared with them -- good and bad. Life is grand and I am sharing this grandeur with these people! Moving on together with them starting this year and moving away from those who belittled me over the years. I know I am strong but I just need a little more bravery. So this year, I will practice to be brave. Not in facing the people who have hurt my feelings (because I have forgiven them but I will never forget the experiences), but in facing new things, familiar things, and uncertainties in the future days. Focusing more on the people who lift me up higher, I will be stronger and brave in whatever I am going to deal with -- challenges, achievements, failures, and everything in between.

Cheers to the new year & don't forget to be nice to others. :)

2 comments:

  1. that's a beautiful post. and don't underestimate your strength and bravery. to not let the bad things that happen to you (or are done to you) change you and to stay true to yourself requires a lot of strength. anything else will grow out of that.

    happy new year xoxo

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  2. Wishing you lots of strength so that you can be brave in 2014! May all your wishes come true.

    ReplyDelete

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