September 24, 2013

This time of wandering may be the time of discovering.

 Let me just treat my little space as a place for heavy words and narrative feelings as how it was supposed to be during its early years...
 
The last time I wrote something too personal here was about me being too certain about my goal. The only goal that would matter usually right after finishing a degree. I was certain that within the month, I would probably get a job. Or two months maximum. I was all for it. But I failed. I didn't get the job I wanted. Depression kicked in as well as determination but it was crazy. You know that feeling when you feel determined again right after swimming deep into depression? I became doubtful about myself. I gave a shot at it and did my best but failed.
 
I did not do any harmful things. No self-harm, self-hate or anything like it. But there were tears anytime of the day. Mostly, at night. Despite that heavy feelings, I did not give up and I don't intend to. Up to now I am still in search for a job but I am not hoping too much from it. Yes, I know that life after college is not easy. You can not just enroll yourself to something and ensure that you are part of a class for six months up to years. It is difficult unless you are lucky enough to land a job in just a snap. But then again, no work is easy. I wish I knew what I put myself into. I wish I was not too positive only to find out I won't be part of it. It seems like I will never learn a thing unless I try it by experience. 
 
I keep on asking my sister if this work is okay or maybe this one is better but she always says yes to everything. Then I realized, "right, even if I apply for it, there is no guarantee". Get any job you can even if it is not inline with your course, she always reminds me this.  The important thing is experience, she highlights. No matter if the salary is low, she added. The words "keep the cash flow going" always rings in my head at random times. And the word vulnerability seems to coincide with my existence at this moment. 

So I keep on wandering around, being vulnerable in a good way. That is attacking to what's unknown. I am scared to face something I do not know yet but I want to see what is in there and how is it there. Maybe vulnerable is not the exact word but I know my weakness is indulging into something I am not familiar with. So, I go on and on wandering around, connecting myself to different things, going on for a job that sounds new to me. Maybe this time it could be the time of discovering in general. I am scared, excited, feeling strong, nervous, etcetera. I won't expect to something fancy anymore. If it is not for me, it will never be I guess.
 
There is nothing wrong at being too certain about goals for sure but I guess we should not just expect more but expect less or none at all. To anyone feeling hopeless, I hope you are not harming yourself. I think the best way to deal with it, although it could be easily covered by fear (and other factors concerning different outside issues in self, important people, love, etc), is to keep your curiosity towards everything.

2 comments:

  1. It's tough to keep your chin up in these situations but I'm glad that you have your sister to keep you positive and motivated at the same time

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    Replies
    1. Yes, at times like this, I am very much glad that I have my sister right here to give me insights. Although I am not surrounded by a lot of amazing people, at least I have my sister to guide me to a good path.

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