September 18, 2013

A slow and steady walk becomes a sudden fast forward.



I could not believe that it has been five months since I finished college. I thought then that life would get much easier and better but it seems wilder now. Never did I thought that I would shoulder twice as much responsibility once I get out of college. At least not in five months wherein I try to make things easy and slow paced. Although I am still in the "job hunting phase", people seem to challenge me in terms of trust, respect, and conscience at home. They seem to be a test for me to accomplish for later I guess. At least that is how I look at it. I hate to admit what I feel but I think life has been throwing me shit from people whom I thought would be there for me, to fight for me, to believe in me, to be just the family I thought they would be... at least not all of them are like that but most of the people surrounding me right now (and ever since) seem to betray, hurt, and kill me inside. No matter how many times I get hurt so much, I try to keep it inside because I don't want things to get worse. Who likes war? Those with bitter hearts do. Sometimes when I go to bed at night and I can not sleep yet, I wonder what would tomorrow be like. Will it be the same? Or will there be a miracle wherein all things become nice, good, and peaceful? So far, the latter has not happened yet. Maybe it won't ever. So I just breathe deeply and pray. I cry sometimes, too. Because why not? Who does not cry when one is hurt deeply? It is not so bad to let those bad feelings float for a while because it will just hurt more if you just let it sink inside you forever. You have got to breathe them out once in a while. To be honest, I am so tired of dealing with older people who always talk behind my back, who makes me feel unworthy, who makes me feel alone, who makes me feel out of place, who treats me like I am some kind of a little girl who does not know much, who treats me like I am stupid and blurt it out to all the people she meets, who bangs a sliding window, door, or anything near me, who does not promote growth for you, who lets you wither, who lets you do bad things and make it seem good, who is against life and etcetera. But here I am still standing and hoping I could stand for a long time more. Fighting back seems good but even though I try to stand for myself, I realize that she is not worth the energy, time, and effort. Indeed, she is not. What is one person versus a happiness I get by focusing more in life, to other people who are happy, and good things? I read something that goes like be aware of other people's feelings from your actions. This thought has been going on in my head for months now. It keeps me from choosing to do things for the goodness of me and others. It keeps us away from being selfish because we do things selfishly and unintentionally sometimes. It is a good thing to ponder on. I guess it is the time to fast forward and to act professionally. I am more than what I am now and I am capable of flourishing for others as well. It is time to get away, to move away, and to forget all the bad things that has happened, happening now, and will happen later by the same class of people. It is time to forget all those forgiven sins that they have done to me and walk forward, fast and then slow once I they are out of sight. It is time to embrace vulnerability, not to the extent, but enough to move away. Because even though I try to seek things here to make things beautiful and happy, the years have testified enough that there is no genuine happiness here. There will never be. So I move on and bring those happy people and those I trust with me in this journey.

4 comments:

  1. I hope that everything will work out for the better.

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  2. It's difficult to think but we are always going to be naive, young, ignorant children to our older relatives. I realized this when my late grandmother used to call my dad in the evenings and asked him if he was covering himself with an extra blanket at night when he was over 50 years old. And now when I visit them at home, my mom will come and give me an extra blanket as well even though I'm almost 30. At times it's frustrating but it's their way of letting us know that they care, even though at times it may be exasperating and unkind. I like to think that they deep down they love you and just want the best for you

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    Replies
    1. I can feel it sometimes but it's just so draining to experience it everyday for years. I guess there are people who does that and I am pretty sure it will be okay but this one, it has been years, it's difficult to deal with it, I am having a hard time and even though I try (and I always do) to go through it, it just feels wrong. I don't know if I am throwing all the right words to describe how I feel, but yes, I should probably go away. Thank you for sharing your story about your family. :)

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