|Very old photo of us lined-up together. Eldest to youngest (with Mama)|
(A letter of the youngest kid among six children about feeling hopeless at times, about missing the good old days, and about contentment.)
Isn't it amazing how we are bound together by love? That no matter how each of us fail at some point in our endeavors, we still accept each other just because.
As the youngest, all I want is the best for all of you. Even though I am always left behind, I still hope and pray that I will be okay because I understand that all of you want to live your lives away from home.
Whenever I think about the past, when Mama and Papa were still alive, I become happy and sad. I miss those times together. Those times when we always eat together, spend time in the garden together, watch television together, share everything we have with each other, celebrate Christmas Eve and New Year's celebrations together. Thank you for making my life exciting sometimes. Everything is extremely different now. You have your own lives, I am still here. The magic is slowly drifting away. I wish it was the other way around.
I remember people telling me that I am such a cheerful kid. I am not the same anymore unless I am away with friends. I am alone and, in the recent years, been dealing with complicated things. I know it would get more complicated as the years progress.
All of you are lucky to have wonderful younger years because those were the last best years with Mama and Papa around. Now, I feel alone. Sometimes lonely, sometimes not. But still alone. I wish I had some people to guide me through life. If Mama and Papa were here today, I might have my everyday reminders about little things. I would not feel scattered if so.
During Christmas and New Year's in the recent years, I always think about our simple but happy, glorious and meaningful celebrations together as a family. I am almost alone during these times now that is why I think about it so I won't feel lonely. :) For the past years, I always treat these celebrations as the time to remember the joys I had together with the whole family years ago and the blessings I have currently. I will forever treasure them and carry with me wherever I go once I leave this life.
Our parents must be very proud and I am happy to know that you are all stable somehow. Knowing all of your stability, I am contented enough that if I would be gone, at least I have nothing to worry about. I am contented with our happy memories together, my life in the past years, and what I have currently. What matters most are the things that keep me happy and strong and those are not material things. Those are memories, positive feelings, and satisfaction from the people I truly care about (including friends).
I wonder if there is something in store for me tomorrow, the day after tomorrow, or the day after that. I wonder if I'll ever going to leave home as well? I wish I could live near all of you, each one of you... maybe every day would be the best. I hope there is something out there for me as well. Something that would help me flourish without anyone else stopping me. I am faithful to have another amazing and happy experiences in the future just as how hard (but I am trying to be brave not to cry every time) experiences I have now.
Thank you for always saying that I can do it. That I shouldn't mind whatever is happening around because the people who hurt other people just so they would feel on top would never always win.
Thank you for not forgetting about me.
The youngest kid among six who hid behind leaves in her early years,