June 28, 2012

A Girl With Nothing But ...

You are a girl with nothing
but money in mind,
hatred that brews in heart,
foggy and cold feelings.

You are a girl with nothing
but selfishness, rudeness and
sensitive issues thrown
everywhere.

You are a girl with nothing
but gossips,  gossips
and more of it.

You are a girl with nothing
but bad karma from
what you have done.

June 25, 2012

What 'a long time ago' looked like in abstract

This reminds me of my childhood. The sea, the garden, the stuff I saw along the shore, the beautiful flowers that my Mama planted, the times I'm with Papa in the sea catching some fish, the afternoons spent reading some Archie comics, the times when we gathered around the garden as a family... It was pretty awesome. 


This isn't a great painting, I know. But it's all I could do. I never had any photos when I was little but I have a lot of snapshots in my mind. I just can't draw or paint them as pretty as how they are. I wanted it to be abstract. Hahaha


What I see: top view of the garden -- with flowers, and other plants -- and the sea. You may not see them but I can imagine how they look like exactly. Oh, childhood.

June 22, 2012

Probably...summer.

Probably the saddest summer of my life.
Never gone to the beach, never partied all night.
People seem so negative and bossy --
and most of all, difficult.

Probably the summer I would never acknowledge again.
Haven't had genuine feelings but
sadness and loneliness --
and most of all, confusion.

Probably the worst summer of all time.
Probably the summer mostly spent dancing alone.
Mostly spent dealing with difficult, bipolar
and just plainly worst-at-being-people
kind of people.

But it was nice. / I got to have time for myself. / I got to fix something I never thought was broken. / Alas! I found the reason / why I've been down / prior the season.

June 19, 2012

Don't Go

I could never trace back the last time we
stopped seeing each other. But I can still
remember the feeling when you held my hands,
when you wrapped me around your arms, when
your innocent eyes met my drunken ones.

When I look back to those memories, the
first thing I remember is when you fetched
me home early in the morning. Around three
o'clock. I invited you over but you said
I should go to bed. You smiled. I
smiled. You were looking at me as I
walk towards the door.

That was sweet and sad, too. Sure, we've
been to same gatherings and had small talks.
But that memory is the only thing that's
stuck in my head. I never thought it
would be the last. Now, we don't talk
like we used to. There were chances but
it was I who felt like staying in.

You should know that those small talks meant
a lot to me. Those friendly holding of
hands meant something to me. You should know
that I still wish we could be like
what we used to.

We have been walking to different paths for
a long time now. Funny how you stop
by and make me feel that certain spark
again. But you never stayed longer.

I think I should take a risk. I
should not be afraid of getting hurt. This
yearning would not stop until I learn something.
I am ready to face everything that love
has to offer. So the next time you
stop by, stay longer. Let me cherish that
moment. Let me feel that certain spark longer
than usual.

And if you feel the same, don't go.

June 17, 2012

Mini Paper Grid Notebook

I made a little notebook. Kind of Field Notes-inspired one. I have a lot of papers and some of them are from my sister back when she was still in college. She was a Civil Engineering student so she had so many paper grids. I used them once for my Analytic Geometry class four years ago. But there are still three packs left and I don't know what to do with them. So, I decided to make a little notebook with grids. I thought it would be cool to make my own notebook. By the way, I am going to have my first Field Notes ever! I will blog about it soon. Excited! :)











I started writing some poems in it. Also, planning to write all my to-do stuff and some other lists here. :D

June 13, 2012

Ideal Sunny Afternoon

Soft voices from birds creating melody
in a peaceful sunny afternoon. Wind touching
your face as your hair slowly dancing freely
with it. The air is fresh like it was six in
the morning. You see kids laughing and
chasing each other. Now you are remembering
the old times and good old friends as you
continue to walk. People looking at you with
their pretty smiles and you smile back which
makes you smile deep inside. Everything looks
so happy like sadness doesn't mean a thing.
It feels wonderful, genuine, and light. You are
happy that you are alive. The feeling seems
so familiar. Then you woke up and realize you
just had the best afternoon spent in a
dream. You wish it was real.
You wish it was real.


June 10, 2012

Blowing In The Wind




I love listening to oldies. One of my favorites, and I have too many (old songs) favorite!, is Blowing In The Wind. What I love about this song is the meaning of the lyrics; it constantly reminds me to take a break and slow things down. For some reason, I feel relaxed when I listen to it. So, here is my attempt to play the song in piano. I am not very good at playing piano but at least I tried. And that's all I could do. Hahaha :p


June 7, 2012

As How You Should Be

How calming it is to know you are there. To think I've
left you things I know you can't bear. I know I'm
not alone at making you sad. In fact, there are a
million of us who make you feel bad.

How awful it is to make you feel this way. It is a
shame that others don't realize this way. You've given us
enough but sometimes we want more. We dig up everything
up to your core.

We've seen you sad and hurt sometimes. Witnessed the
darkest version of you most of the time. I'm sorry to cause
you too much pain. You should know I care for you and
there are others, too.

I hope they will realize this. That life is nothing without
you in it. So, they will stop being selfish and rude.
That even a candy wrapper will ruin your mood.

How amazing it would be to know that people think about
you and your worth. That they will learn to keep you
clean, stable and fresh. So, you'd be happy and lovely
as how you should be.

June 6, 2012

Woke up around four in the morning but reset the alarm to thirty minutes after four and then so on and so forth until I finally decided to get up around seven thirty in the morning. I wanted to wake up early to do laundry and (finally) cook breakfast for everyone and so I could go to school early for enrollment but I guess my body was too heavy from last night. I got home around eleven in the evening, stoned.

Yesterday was also a bad day for me because I was in school from eight to five in the afternoon but my name hasn't been called yet for evaluation. I really hate the enrollment system shifting from automated to manual to automated but it still is too slow unlike last semester. Why is that, Ateneo? or whatever department or whatever is reasonsible for this shit. Why can't we get a stable system for everything? So fucking annoying.

So, anyway, I took a bath, cleaned my room, had coffee while watching Ratatouille with my nephew who was sitting on me. And decided to go to school in the afternoon as I am so sure that I will be called this day and finally settle subjects with the coordinator because I have too many problems with my subjects... because the  subject codes for this year's curriculum are now different from our curriculum. Also, I am not a regular student since third year and so enrollment for me is so fucking exhausting as I have too many things to deal with. 

So, I prepared the clothes to be washed when I get back from school and some stuff to work on which I promised to finish after enrollment. Got out of the house around one in the afternoon. And all shitty things happened after an hour. Shall I say everything here? I shall.

Okay. So, I rode a jeepney going to Roxas but it didn't pass through my school instead it drove through straight to Boulevard. I thought it'll just turn back and pass Ateneo along Claveria St. So, I just waited thinking it will turn to San Pedro St. and finally Claveria. When we reached San Pedro, the driver told me that he won't pass through Claveria anymore. I got so pissed but I kept my cool. I got out of the jeepney and rode another cab going to Claveria. But this motherfucker stopped over at Aldevinco and didn't want to pass Ateneo. I asked him why but he murmured something I didn't understand and most probably if I even did, I wouldn't even care. I got so angry that I got off the cab and walked towards my motherfucking school for six years now got damn it.

I still kept my cool. I didn't bother what just happened to me between those two motherfucking cab drivers that didn't follow their route or at least said that they won't pass this street at all. I could have put my "I should have been informed" shit towards them but I am not that cheap so I just smiled.

Went to the comfort room to comfort myself and peed. Put on a little bit of lipstick and smiled. I am going to  process my schedule today and foresee my life at school and in general six months from now. I walked upstairs up to third floor. Didn't bother going to the information desk or whatever they are called to check if my name has been called. I went straight to the door for evaluation and did you know what they told me when they saw me walking towards them? They said our coordinator is absent since morning. Do you know what it means? It means I won't get to process my stuff and I won't get enrolled for the rest of the day.

HOLY MOTHER OF --- what fuckery is this?!

I DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING BAD TOWARDS THEM, OF COURSE, AS IT ISN'T THEIR FAULT. I JUST ASKED CALMLY (AGAIN, CALMLY) IF HE WILL BE HERE TOMORROW AND THEY SAID "MOST PROBABLY." OKAY, MAYBE THAT'LL KEEP ME CALM AS OF THE MOMENT. I RODE CABS/MOTORCYCLES THREE TIMES GOING HOME. ALL THE TIME I THOUGHT ABOUT HOW SHITTIER CAN THIS DAY BE?

ALL THAT IS MAKING ME CALM RIGHT NOW IS THIS SWEET CORN, SWEET TEA AND THE INTERNET. I DON'T WANT TO GET UP FROM BED. I JUST WANT TO CELEBRATE LIFE AND HOW RUDE IT IS TODAY, AT LEAST!

FUCK THIS DAY, I AM NOW PENNILESS AND FEELING UNPRODUCTIVE AS I SHOULDN'T BE BECAUSE I AM EXPECTING THE OPPOSITE. I AM GOING TO SPEND MY LIFE IN THE INTERNET FOR NOW UNTIL TONIGHT AND THEN FALL ASLEEP AND THEN NEVER LOOK BACK TO THIS DAY AS IF THIS DAY NEVER HAPPENED.

TOMORROW IS GOING TO BE AS GOOD AS HOW BAD TODAY IS, I TELL YOU.

June 4, 2012

Paper Lamp Post




When I look at this one side of my room, I feel there is something lacking. A photo, print or anything could fill the empty wall and the boring vibe it gives me. So I made something for it. A lamp post would do. 

I used papers, acrylic paint, scissors, ruler, glue and double-sided tape. Linkin Park's Minutes to Midnight album was on repeat. An actual lamp serves as an inspiration for my paper lamp post. I was supposed to be putting little stars but I ended up putting an interrobang (?!).

There's something about the interrobang in that lamp post. I just could not tell about it yet! 

It looks simple but I have plans for it. Maybe put some photos around it? I don't know but I am going to put something there soon. Also, I like the way where it is placed because at night, when I open my windows, the light from the lamp post outside touches the exact place where my paper lamp post is! 


It looks so cool. It actually looks like a shadow of a lamp post from outside. 

June 1, 2012

Larger-than-life kind of dreams



There is a point in our life where we get so depressed that we find ourselves drowning in the ocean and could never go back up on the surface. Most of the time, we choose to drown because we think that the waves are too strong and too big for us to survive. But if you are a lover of life, you will strive for survival because you know that the waves don't intentionally drown you but rather let you ride on them and take you to where you can swim back to the shore.

At this point, I am neither happy nor sad. But I tell you, at this point in time, I could not figure out what to do with life. Like, the entirety of it. Because I am not quite sure where to go and where to put myself. I am trapped in a place where I love staying in ever since but I often find myself struggling to get away from it thinking that maybe there are other places waiting for me to discover -- and maybe, my soul would be more at peace when I am there. This is when I end up daydreaming: I need to be in Finland (or Norway) because I want to witness the Northern Lights. Maybe, the south to witness the Southern Lights. I want to travel the whole world, know different culture, and meet people. Also, I want to stay for a day or two, or maybe more in different cities of The Philippines.

I consider these larger-than-life kind of things. I know some people have traveled to places I want to visit and they are lucky to witness the things I want to see. Instead of being happy, I get sad because there is no certainty that I could see all the sights and things that I consider beautiful in this world. It is like I am in the middle of the ocean, stuck with a choice between to swim towards the shore or let myself drown. When I rather live, that would mean I am going to meet a lot of uncertainties that life has to offer. But when I let myself drown, I am certain that my heart is going to stop beating, my lungs are going to stop breathing, and I will be in total darkness; in ocean's deepest point.

Yes. I am a lover of life but sometimes I get tired, too. Negative thoughts linger like thick dark clouds covering the whole city; the further I sulk into sadness, the sooner my tears slowly running down like rain from the sky. It goes on and on for hours. After it pours down, dark clouds are still there. It takes a long time to be sunny again. When the sun shines, I force myself to smile. Mirrors don't lie. Mine, at least. It has seen me laugh, cry, naked, and sometimes my soul. "How is that possible?", you ask. Well, look at the mirror and ask "How are you?". You don't have to say it physically but rather mentally. Examine what you see. You may get confused at first but focus and you will see how it is. That is how you are. Of course, you need to be honest with yourself first. Your mirror won't lie if you know you are not faking inside.

I have written something before. Something like: "Sometimes all you need is a smile to brighten up your day. So, smile. Nobody cares if you are unhappy anyway. If you smile, it can change something or maybe someone; like, yourself." Funny thing is, it always works for me. I feel lighter inside when I see myself smiling. I feel positiveness inside. I feel like swimming towards the shore and mingle with life again.

I am not quite sure of how many times I found myself in the middle of the ocean but I am certain that I have never let myself drown. Obviously, I am a lover of life. I choose life because it is beautiful. Although there are sad things going on but those I count as the reasons why life remains beautiful. Life is full of uncertainties. That's just how it is. So, I grab the opportunity to learn new things and never stop dreaming. I believe that if you embrace life, it will give you more chances to achieve your larger-than-life kind of dreams. We just have to embrace it fully and never let go.

Learn to try new things and make mistakes. Dream big and never lose hope. Smile always and cry if you need to. Learn to ride the waves of life and when you fall down, be sure to get back up again. Enjoy it.
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