October 22, 2011

It takes a lot of courage to find the big in the small.


We all have big dreams. 

For sure we want to be somebody someday. As for me, I want to be an engineer. That is the biggest dream so far. And I just realized, I am on my way there but not too soon. You see, I've been spending years in college and I never really can't see myself working as an engineer but I want it; I want to be an engineer someday. This one's a tough road for me but I'm never giving up.

I can't tell if I am going to be very successful once I finish it but I know it is something to be proud of. Though I might be spending some years more but I really don't care. Because this is it. This is my life. My life doesn't start once I graduate though it may be a little different, and more challenging, I guess.

What I hate about where I am is that people seem to look at me as a loser for not achieving anything. They start comparing me with other people and make me feel really bad about myself. Sure, they have lots of achievements to brag and they deserve it. As for me, I have nothing really. I've never gotten any medal in elementary and high school. All I ever cared about was to be with friends and have fun but I wasn't the kind of girl who goes out "having fun" you know what I mean. Back in the days, it was all about music. 

Now I'm in college, fifth year in college to be exact. I have failures, too, and I feel really bad about it. But that's just it. I don't think too much because it just makes me feel inferior. Though I talk about it too much sometimes but then I realize I am pushing myself down whenever I tell people I failed.

Right now, I am honestly encountering a lot of difficulties and I don't know what to do. One thing is for sure, I am pressured to a lot of things. Setting goals for the day helps me, somehow. It seems that the more I take another step, the more responsibilities, the more pressured I become. Obviously, I don't know how to calm down other than sleeping. 

Another semester is yet to come. Days from now I am facing another schedule and tasks. I want to be ready for it. I want to be that Debie who never gives up despite being throwned by a lot of insecurities and negativities. I want to be that Debie who does things her way. I never want to be that Debie who goes wherever the wind leads her. Last semester was the worst of all and it will never happen again. I swear to myself.

I need courage now. I know all these small personal development I am doing right now will lead me to a better self. To a more focused self. To a stronger self. I know because big things are made of small things. I won't let myself down this time.

One thing is for sure, I may not get any medal of any kind from the people I will be working for next semester, but I am going to finish what needs to be done. And I am doing it my way. Never will I surround myself with people who doesn't care about anything at all -- about me and my beliefs. Those days are gone now. I need to be on my own this time. And learn things by risking it all.

Big things are ahead of me and I must be ready for it. 

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