At 20, I am neither happy nor sad with life. Actually, I don't know what I feel. All I know now is that I am given a lot of things to do and I must finish everything on time. Since when did my life felt happiness at the fullest? I can't even remember; not sure if it got to that point either. Things got a bit weird lately. I stay up late at night not minding some works that must be done but instead I keep thinking about different things -- things that are not even existing in my life right now. It is more like daydreaming (or late night-dreaming, perhaps).
I have been meaning to ask my siblings or even any stranger older than I am if this situation I'm going through is normal and did they even get to this point in life, particularly in their 20s, where all they do is think and do more of thinking. But I'm too shy to ask. Back in the days, I usually go straight to bed after my duties. Now, I always think I need something in life. Not necessarily material things. To be honest, I don't know what I need. All I know is...nothing. You know that feeling when you're thinking too much and then when you summarize it all, you actually don't know what's the point of everything you thought of. You don't even know what you need and want. It is so confusing.
It is actually exciting and challenging at some point. I feel like I am getting to know more of what I am. Yes, you are yourself but there are some things you don't really know about you. You don't want something to form your whole being, right? You're not basing your life with something, right? I'm not sure if I'm making any sense here, but I'm trying. There is usually something deep inside you that you must dig deep into so you would know what it is. So you would know what you need and what you are. And by thinking, you get to know more of yourself that you get surprised all of a sudden when you figure out something.
I am the kind of person who makes list of anything and I write a lot especially before going to bed. So random that when I wake up in the morning, I get to laugh at it and just throw it away or ignore. I love myself for being so ridiculous at times.
There are times also when you're tired of life and you just want to go to bed and stop writing. Just like now. Good night.