I can't imagine my life alone again with these two people. I would rather be dead than to live an unhappy life with them. Life, with them, is a misery. I have sacrificed so many years with them and have wished too many times for a happy life. Everybody close to me knows how much I am suffering yet nobody really tries to pull me out from this rotten place. Nobody. Sometimes I wonder about this kind of life... and I often ask myself, what is the point of living when the people who you think loves you are all miles away -- always going away -- and the people who gives you a sense of unbelongingness is just around the corner? Often I get mad, isolate myself, cry and burst out all the feelings inside, feel okay, force to be happy, find an outlet to achieve happiness, and pray. I did not see it coming. From the moment that my parents left us was the moment I am going to spend my life alone. My grief did not end. I try to always get everything back together to face another day, another month, another year. You know it is true that behind a smiling face is a soul yearning for real happiness. I have survived half of my teenage years without my parents and almost half of my twenties away from those I love. Now, looking back to all those heavy years, I don't think I can ever live another year with the same kind of drama, with the same kind of people, with the same kind of place. I never truly wished for all things pretty... ever since my siblings went away to live their happy lives, the only thing I have hoped for myself is a sense of belongingness; to satisfy my soul with peace, satisfaction, and sensibility. I am so tired... I am so tired to always be the one who gets left behind. Of being fed with stories from my brother's wife about her perfect life and material stuff that do not really matter just so she could make me feel bad about my life. For almost a decade of living this kind of life, of always getting left behind, of always wishing for a peaceful day, I guess it is safe to wish for an infinite time with my parents. I have never wished of dying but during these times of heavy grief, I can't help but hope for death to take its place. Not everyone nor my siblings know exactly how I feel but once I get out of here, and never go back again, that's the time I can say that no matter where I am, what I do for a living, and how much money I have in my bank account do not matter... my life would be better than this because I am away from these two who cuts off my self-esteem. This was once my home before these hateful people existed. This place and these people are not those who can inspire others instead they make others feel bad about themselves. Why do hateful people exist, though?
Through the years, I have stumbled upon thousands and thousands of music via radio, TV, internet, everywhere. Some songs are good, some are okay, some are fine, and some are blah. Some I adore, some I can still sing along to, and some that I barely know the lyrics to but still try to sing it because I don't know why. Most people nowadays say they wish they were born in the past when music was genuine, inspiring, and full of passion. Of course, I agree with that -- I love oldies! Music is better back in the days but there sure are a few of musicians out there who still writes very good lyrics, passionate about music, plays very well, and just plain awesome. One of them would be Linkin Park (Mike Shinoda, Chester Bennington, Rob Bourdon, Brad Delson, Dave Pharell, and Joe Hahn.) These guys are my -- somehow-- savior through the years. From Hybrid Theory up to The Hunting Party, each songs speak to me somehow. These people were there to deal with my teenage angst and these people are still here to help me understand and mature. I know you think this is ridiculous but their songs helped me through a lot of emotional stress. I've never been too vocal about them (not enough, I guess) but I listen and watch them over the internet to feel fine. They've been here in the Philippines twice but I never really had the chance to go because the venue is too far from me. Soon... I hope! If I were to be asked what is my favorite song of them, then I would probably say all. I can't pick my favorites because all of their songs are perfect for me at least.
Lately, I have been listening to Iridescent mainly because there have been too many heavy feelings in me that I want to let go. It's such a powerful song. It makes me cry~
I love you, guys. Thank you for the music! You guys are a great part of me. :)
I won't have any idea what or how a doctor's life is somehow until I have worked for a health care institution for six months. It all started when I had my examination to check if I am fit to work. There were no doctors except you in the outpatient department. The nurse asked if you can spare a little time to check my eyes, heart beat, etc. I get nervous every time I get a check-up. My heartbeat pounded so fast... I thought I am going to fail the test. You asked me which department am I going to work in. I did not get it at first probably because I am so conscious about the things you're writing on my paper while checking my vital signs? But you re-phrased your question and I answered in the IT department. You just nodded then proceeded to write.
Then I started working and whenever I saw you around, I always stared at you (at least for what seemed like 5 seconds). I felt like a creep. Well, I was a creep. It has been two months since my last duty in the hospital but I can still recall the moments that I have seen you around.
1.) The day you walked in front of me while I was sitting in the waiting area. Those dark circles around your eyes mean you have been working for more than a day, I guess.
2.) The day I was walking behind you while I was on my way to the office. You looked back and caught me looking at you. I proceeded to walk the other way just because.
3.) The day when we met each other in the elevator. I entered and pushed the 5 button. As the door was moving to close, I heard someone running towards me so I pushed the open button and there you were... smiling and looking at my shocked face. You pushed the 3 button and stood behind me. I did not make any facial movement so you won't see from the silver door but I was laughing inside.
4.) The day you passed by the office and gave me your clearance. That was the last day we have met.
5.) Some other days when I saw you buying bread or soft drinks... Heehee.
I can not say that I have a crush on you but I felt nervous whenever I see you. It's probably because I am scared of doctors. But you're not the kind who scares me so... I wonder if you passed the exam? You probably have... so congratulations, doc! :)
Red Wedding Shoes
Occasional poetry: D.G. Bersabal
Photograph: Jenny Utz
Black and red are the colors of the day.
One denotes strength, the other denotes
love. Black and red are the colors
of the day. IT means strong love,
tight bond, forever and ever.
Circle poem: D.G. Bersabal
Your journey through life
does not always happen
on a wide and flat road.
Sometimes you have to
walk on narrow
and rocky ones
to find its meaning.
(written as a circle poem)